Doctor Who in Nine Easy Steps
by firekid44
Summary: Summeries of all the Doctor Who episodes. With humour.
1. Convenient, Slightly Inconspicuous Alien

I didn't head the warnings, so my story got deleted. I've changed it to this, shrinking it considerably, buttrying to keep some of the humor from my first piece. Please try to review this too. Enjoy!

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Convenient, Slightly Inconspicuous Alien

So here's Rose Tyler! Come on, give her a clap! And there's a living plastic alien that looks like a shop window dummy that she thinks are students dressing up to scare her! Hey, here's an alien with a convenient lift! The living plastic guy, called an Auton, can't get through metal doors, for some reason. The Doctor (the convenient alien) has a home-made bomb. And…. BOOM! There goes the building!

Hey, it's the Doctor again! But no time for that now – Rose has to find a creepy guy that knows about the Doctor. But what's this – the Doctor can feel spinning planets? Anyway, off to Clive's house with the slightly-annoying-boyfriend-who-may-turn-out-to-be-useful-later a.k.a. Mickey! Then, of course, he gets himself eaten by a bin. And he loses the car keys too. Typical.

So. Meet Clive, our resident transdimensional stalker! The Doctor's a title, he says, of many people, because the Doctor appeared in loads of places. Wait! It's one man! Anyway, let's go out and see her slightly-annoying-boyfriend-who-may-turn-out-to-be-useful-later – with a detachable head! Does Rose know anything about the Doctor? Speak of the Devil! I mean Doctor! And he detaches the detachable head! Clever guy! But Mickey doesn't need a head to work! So run for your life, Rose! No, not out the exit – go into the slightly-60's-police-public-call-box-shaped-time-machine which is also slightly inconspicuous! As Rose says – it multi-tasks! And, of course, the inside is from another dimension, but you already knew that.

Time for the Doctor to use this new technology of his to track the plastic blob living under London – the Nestene Conscience. But, now he's found it, he'll use his Time Machine – to travel through SPACE! Down into the sewer where the afore mentioned blob will be….

…and Rose's slightly-annoying-boyfriend-who-may-turn-out-to-be-useful-later, and not the version with a detachable head. What are the odds of that, eh? But while trying to talk some sense into the blob, the Doctor gets captured by the blob servants. As Thicky spends his time watching Tarzan, Rose has to do the George of the Jungle impression.

Out in the streets, the dummies are killing people! Like Clive, the transdimensional stalker from before. He's taken death by alien invasion.

Rose uses her pre-SuperPhone to call her mum with SuperPhone like powers! But mum's stubborn, and gets attack by wedding dress models.

So the Doctor summons his TARDIS, and the Nestene Conscience might scream the words 'Bad Wolf'. The Doctor feeds the Conscience, killing the Autons. The Doctor asks Rose to come with him. Hmm… alien or normal life? Normal life, please. Would you like fries with that? So the Doctor leaves, alone, and the episode would have ended there if he hadn't realised he had cup holder and muffins. So here's Rose! Bye Thicky! See you next invasion! And _now_ it ends!

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Please review!


	2. 1000 Gallifreyian Years

Here's Chapter Two! Enjoy! Read, review, laugh!

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1000 Gallifreyian Years

Where are they going today? They have a machine that can take them anywhere in Time and Space. So… Second Roman Empire? Third Imperial Space Network? Second Great Human Dynasty? Dawn of Time? Yeah, Dawn of Time. So off they go, flying through the red and blue vortexes. And they arrive… on a futuristic spaceship orbiting the Earth? Dawn of Time, End of the World, same difference. (The real reason they couldn't go to the Dawn of Time is not the Doctor's bad driving skills, but the fact the Ninth Doctor can't leave the vicinity of the Earth). But it's not just any End of the World – it's the '5.5/apple/26' End of the World! Here's the Steward. Identification? How about convenient, slightly inconspicuous psychic paper? It passes. In you come!

So, today's guests include… the Moxx of Balhoon (Spit-face), the Representatives of the Forest of Cheem (featuring Jabe, the slightly expendable one!), the Adherents of the Repeated Meme (Hoody-Patrol), the Face of Boe (batteries not included) and the last surviving conveniently expendable, slightly inconspicuous lipstick-and-skin creature – a.k.a. 'The Last Surviving Human' – Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seven! She's brought a suspicious ostrich egg and an 'I-Pod' – what we call a 70's jukebox today. And it plays the song 'Tainted Love'. Rose is thoroughly creeped out and goes to find an expendable alien friend.

Here's Raffalo, the expendable alien plumber. Yes, she's blue. Rose uses here amazing powers of ancient wisdom (the aliens aren't human (except Cassandra(but she's scary))) and walks off. Raffalo is dragged into a pipe by a four-legged spider. Then the annoyed biologist is too.

Jabe scanned the Doctor? Sneaky. They start an argument about the fact he's a Time Lord (Are too! Am not! Are too! Am not!) until Jabe mentions the Time War, and the fact the Doctor's the last surviving Time Lord. Of course, the Doctor interrupts Jabe with his 'mourn for 1000 Gallifreyian years' speech before we find out who the opposing team was. He then sheds a single tear before going to look for Rose.

So here's Rose. Is she ever going to learn Jabe's name? Probably not. Anyway, the Doctor's finally created Rose's SuperPhone, so time to ring her mum! No, mum, I'm not travelling through time with Northern aliens. Bye now! Rose uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom again (my mum wouldn't be alive this far in the future!) before something explodes. So the Doctor and Jabe go to investigate.

Back in the main hall, Rose tries to insult Cassandra, and gets knocked out by the Hoody Patrol. Jabe realized she scanned the Doctor too early in the story. Rose wakes up in a room where she'll soon burn to death unless a certain friendly alien comes to save her. Captain Jack Harkness appears seven episodes early, then disappears when Rose tells him that. The Doctor comes and saves her while the Steward gets burnt to death by the spider-which-is-not-a-spider.

Back in the main hall again, Jabe has a spider! The Doctor sends it back to its Master. The Hoody Patrol? Nope, it's Cassandra. But she uses the teleport in her ostrich egg to disappear. The Doctor and Jabe go down the fan room. The Moxx of Balhoon names this as the 'Classic Bad Wolf Scenario' – Rose writes it in her diary.

Jabe decides to sacrifice herself, eventually convincing the Doctor (I'm expendable, dammit!), and slows the fans. As the Doctor gets to the last fan, Jabe inconveniently burns to death. The Doctor uses some amazing slow motion power to turn on the force field, just as the Earth explodes. Talk about timing, eh? But he's too late to save the poor Moxx of Balhoon. The Doctor finds a teleport inside the ostrich egg, and uses his sonic screwdriver to bring her back. The lack of moisture hardens her, but not before her threat (I'll be back in a cheesy sequel! It won't be as good as this episode, and will involve less CGI shots, but I'll be in it! I swear it!) The Doctor laughs it off (You're not allowed to swear! Only good guys can swear, and only words like 'hell' and 'dammit'!) and Cassandra explodes. The Doctor finally tells Rose he's a Time Lord, and was in the Time War between his last fight with the Master and his last fight with the giant blob. Then they go for some chips.

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In fact, this was the first episode the Doctor swore, saying 'what the hell is that?'.


	3. You Look Even Weirder in Real Life!

I've been having complaints in various other places that my summeries aren't realistic enough. Such as the fact in the real episode, Gwyneth doesn't see what she says she sees here. So, if you're one of the 'purists', sorry.

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You Look Even Weirder in Real Life

Redpath, a Victorian chap, spends a few hours working out the fact his dead grandmother, who is lying in front of him in a coffin, is dead. Wait! She's alive! Now she's killed Redpath. Not a very nice thing to do. "You're alive!" "And you're dead!" Anyway, she knocks out Sneed, the undertaker, and walks off screaming. Well, you'd be annoyed if someone wanted to lock you in a box and bury you, wouldn't you? Sneed wakes up and uses Gwyneth, a.k.a. The Masked Magician…ess… to find the old screaming woman. They go off to find Charles Dickens because the old woman will probably want to see him reading a bedtime story.

Enter the TARDIS. Well, it's in a vortex travelling through time and space, but you know what I mean. If the Doctor had passed his TARDIS drivers test, then they would have gone to Naples in 1860 and the Victorian screaming lady would have killed everyone. But the TARDIS bounces off a tent, spins nine years into the future and crashes into Cardiff. I mean, you don't actually _see_ any of that, but it probably happens. Time Lords are very dramatic. Rose, of course, is in the latest 2005 fashion, not very common in 1860 Naples, so she goes to the wardrobe room, first left, second right, third left, fourth up, seventh left, past the bins and down the stairs. No, wait, that's the unused toilet. It's actually _up_ those stairs. She leaves the room and immediately comes back in the proper clothes. Well, it _is _a time machine.

They go out and find a lovely little Welsh town called Cardiff. Meanwhile, Charles Dickens is reading a storybook to all the Cardiffians, or whatever you call people in Cardiff.

"Ladies, gentlemen, old-women-possesed-by-blue-gaseous-ghost-like-aliens-from-a-Time-Rift!" Then they all realise what he said and run in terror as the afore mentioned woman starts to scream at the gas lamps. The Convenient Time Lord, his glamorous assistant, the annoying old man who isn't possessed by the afore mentioned alien, and the Masked Magician…ess… run in. The two later ones grab the old woman and run. The glamorous 'dressed for 1860 Naples' assistant uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (running after them shouting) and gets herself kidnapped. Obviously the dead person expert can't actually tell the difference between the living and the dead. The Convenient Time Lord hops into Charlie's carriage, Charlie in tow, and shouts 'Follow that car!' before realising there aren't any cars yet, and slyly covers it up (I mean, follow that car…_t_… by which I mean hearse. Yeah. Let's leave it at that). Rose gives up all hope of being rescued.

On the way, the Doctor realises who Charlie actually is, and shakes his hand. Charlie seems proud, until the Doctor starts talking (you look even weirder in real life!). Charlie realises everyone says that.

Rose wakes up and realises the corpses are moving. The Doctor bursts in, Charlie in tow. According to the corpses, they're dying. According to Dickens, they're dead. The Doctor decides they must be dying in death. Sneed tells them the house is haunted, but the Doctor argues it's on a Time Rift. Rose settles the argument telling them it's a haunted rift. She then has a chat with the Masked Magician…ess… who tells her she's psychic, and sees a little silhouetto of a man. No, sorry, a Big Bad Wolf. Rose writes that in her diary too. The Doctor decides to have an allegedly unrelated séance.

The Gelth, summoned in the séance, tell the Doctor they are from another dimension, and were almost killed in the Time War, leaving just a few of them. The Doctor uses Rose's amazing powers of ancient wisdom and trusts them. Rose argues there are no zombies in the future, but the Doctor's listening to the Beatles on his sonic screwdriver and doesn't hear her. As lots of Gelth come out of the rift, the Doctor suspects they might have bent the truth a little. They kill Sneed (thank God) and get sucked into the gas lamps. The Doctor tells Rose and Charlie to leave. Gwyneth, despite being dead, lights a match and blows up the house, giving the Doctor a chance to practice his 'dramatic-leap-from-ball-of-flame' act. Rose gives him a 9.5, and Charlie gives him a 10. Rose and the Doctor get in the TARDIS and decide to go home so Jackie doesn't worry. Dickens, after seeing the TARDIS fly away, does his Father Christmas impression. Or Santa, depending on where you live. Whatever.

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You know the drill, R&R.


	4. The Doctor Comes Out of the Closet

I've changed this episode because I'm not happy with the old one, and I'm finally continuing the story.

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The TARDIS materializes in an abandoned alley, only 12 hours after the Doctor and Rose left… possibly. Rose runs off to see her mum, closely followed by the Doctor when he realizes he still can't steer his TARDIS. Speaking of the TARDIS, some little kid gives it a Bad Wolf makeover during the absence, then writes it in Rose's diary for her. Aww.

However, trouble is afoot back at the old Tyler place_ (I've always wanted to say that!)_ as Rose arrives back home. Jackie is, naturally, terrified. Cue the Doctor… who happens to think an hour and a year are the same thing. Silly Doctor. He plays a game of Slaps with Jackie to cheer himself up, but seeing as she's had a year to practice, he loses. Miserably.

Up on the roof (because everyone likes to hang out on the roof), Rose moans about being the only person to know about aliens (well, apart from all the people who saw the Autons… and all the Doctor's other companions… and anyone involved in any other adventures he's had…). At this point, of course, the Doctor notices a slightly-inconspicuous-spaceship-trailing-black-smoke-that's-an-obvious-distraction-from-hydrogen-based-aliens-in-the-North-Sea-which-crashes-into-Big-Ben-and-the-Thames. Rose is suitably annoyed, completely forgetting her moaning from moments before.

Later, back at Jackie's flat, the Doctor watches a bit of TV. Deciding Futurama isn't realistic enough, he turns to the News. The reporter mentions various significant words, such as 'spaceship', 'soldiers', 'Prime Minister', 'alien' and 'this is a clue Doctor'. The Doctor wonders if there could be a clue somewhere in there. The random small child makes up his mind for him and switches to Blue Peter. Hooray!

At the creepy hospital… Toshiko Sato, of Torchwood fame (but not yet) and General Asquith, of being-killed-by-Slitheen fame (but not yet) have a chat about an alien they found (yep, they know about aliens too). It's real, apparently… but it may also be fake. The alien oinks in confusion.

Meanwhile, the suspiciously fat Joseph Green regenerates into the suspiciously fat Prime Minister Joseph Green, and celebrates by partying with his suspiciously fat friends. Suspicious indeed. Paul McKenna, apparently, could not make them thin. Nor could Actimel. Haha, they say. Suspiously.

Back at Jackie's flat… well, outside Jackie's flat… okay, on the Powell Estate! On the Powell Estate, the Doctor goes off for a "walk around the TARDIS". Which is Gallifreyan for "I'm off to the creepy hospital with the alien in it". Unfortunately something, possibly the loud grating noise or the sudden random wind, alerts Mickey to the Doctor's fiendish plan. He runs towards the TARDIS, the TARDIS is disappearing, it's a race, it's going to be Mickey, no, the TARDIS, no, Mickey, no, the TARDIS, no… The TARDIS gets away and Mickey runs into a wall. Silly Mickey.

The Doctor arrives at the not-actually-that-creepy-hospital. Well, Doctors and hospitals go together like… _the_ Doctor and trouble! Like Jack and cons! Like Rose and Mickey! No, wait, scrap that last one. _Anyway_… the Doctor arrives at the hospital and leaves the TARDIS. Wait! He forgot to check the coast was clear! Ah, well, it probably is. The soldiers surrounding him and holding guns are totally unfazed by the fact that the Doctor is coming out of their closet, but the sound of life outside the room they're in distracts them from killing him. Cos if they had, the rest of the series would have been rubbish. The Doctor and his new army friends run down a long corridor (finally!) and find… a pig! BANG! And now it's a dead pig. Thank you, random soldier. The aliens rewired its brain – the real aliens. They aren't pigs. Probably.

At Number 10 – again – Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North wants entry. Who? Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North! After going through this a few times, the guard denies her entry. Damn. So Harriet uses her amazing Spider powers to sneak in and takes a look at the top-secret emergency protocols that were left lying open on the desk. But her Spidey-sense is tingling – the suspiciously fat people are turning! The obvious solution, of course, is to hide in a cupboard and leave the door open. Luckily, the suspiciously-fat-people/suspiciously-tall-aliens-that-they-happen-to-be obey the laws of Doctor Who physics – it is impossible to look anywhere other than straight in front of you. As does Asquith, which makes him dead.

The TARDIS returns to the scene of Mickey's murder… well, running into a wall anyway. Come in Rose, Mickey, older Rose! Like my slightly inconspicuous time machine/convenient spaceship? Apparently Jackie doesn't, and runs screaming. Mickey would, but then he finds the Doctor's TV and settles down for the afternoon. Or whatever time it is.

Back at the flat, Jackie watches a bit of TV. "Have you seen an alien" asks the guy on TV. "Yes" says Jackie. The man on the TV doesn't respond, for some reason, so she phones up and repeats it, before adding that he was "an irrelevant alien man with a slightly inconspicuous time machine/convenient space ship which he calls the TARDIS! It's a blue telephone box!" Ganesh (he was in it earlier. He works in the government) types in the keywords (irrelevant, inconspicuous, convenient, TARDIS) and finds that the Doctor is _the_ expert on aliens! Then he finds out about UNIT – _the_ other expert on aliens!

The Doctor leaves his TARDIS, thankfully not into another closet, and he finds himself surrounded by soldiers. They are, of course, unconcerned by the fact they can see a big room inside the little police box. They're more concerned with the fact that the Doctor isn't a policeman. Mickey, always the hero, runs in terror as his girlfriend is arrested by some big men with guns – well done, Mickey! Of course, this is fine, because the big men with guns are actually just giving them a lift. And Mickey misses out on riding in a limo. Silly Mickey.

The suspiciously fat policeman comes to Jackie's flat, introducing himself as 'the fat policeman, not to be confused with the fit policeman, because I'm obviously not fit'. Jackie is, understandably, confused.

Back at Number 10, where Rose and the Doctor have just arrived, Ganesh reminds them to wear their deadly ID cards at all times. No, the random, possibly expendable girl can't go in. Or have an ID card. SpiderHarriet, who just used her amazing spider powers to escape the Cabinet Room, decides to lead her to certain death. In the Cabinet Room. There, they have a contest to see who can find the weirdest thing. Dead MP? Dead PM! Ganesh, who's being stalking them (possibly) is less than impressed by this, but before he can get very annoyed one of the suspiciously fat people (who was stalking him) comes into the room – the one that's going to be more important later.

Meanwhile, the Doctor realizes he's caught in a trap. Yay!

Margaret (the important-later one) reveals she's an alien (oh no!), and unzips her forehead. It's just like real life, isn't it? Oh, and the fat-not-fit policeman does likewise. Jackie is, of course, obeying the laws of Doctor Who physics and doesn't notice. Silly Jackie. Back at the briefing, the Doctor has figured it all out (naturally) just in time for the bit where the aliens reveal themselves, thus making his revelations obsolete. The Doctor is sad. And then he's electrocuted by the deadly ID card (the name does kinda give it away, doesn't it?) before he can even find out what the conclusion of the episode is!

…what do you mean, he's gotta wait another week to find out?

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You know what to do - review!


	5. Does Whatever A Spider Can

There was a pig – it got shot. There was Mickey – he ran into a wall. There was Harriet Jones – she was MP for Flydale North (and also secretly SpiderHarriet). There was Jackie – she was surprised by everything. There was Rose – she was a year too late. And then there was the Doctor – the one who makes it all sound like a cheesy Hollywood film.

So, to recap – we left the Doctor, Rose, SpiderHarriet and Jackie in perilous situations (how inconsiderate of us) with the suspiciously-fat-people-who-happen-to-be-aliens. Aliens who happen to come from a completely unpronounceable planet (damn aliens!). Anyhoo, where were we… Doctor, electricity, scream of pain… yep, that's it. Luckily, the Doctor remembers he is actually immune to electricity, and, bored after a week of waiting, leaves the Slitheen (that's the aliens, by the way. And not the Doctor type) alone. Meanwhile, Rose and SpiderHarriet discover that moving out of the way makes them not-yet-dead. And Mickey saves Jackie, because she'd kill him if he let her die. Then he takes a picture of the policeman/actually-not-a-policeman-at-all for his scrapbook. Silly Mickey.

After a lot of running and screaming (because Downing Street is suspiciously empty), the Doctor finds some Soulja Boys and takes them back to wherever he was before. But he takes the long route (typical) which gives the aliens-who-are-surprisingly-good-at-fitting-into-people's-skins enough time to put their skins back on. Try as he might, the Doctor can't convince the police there are aliens there, even with his 'Prime Minister – Alien in Disguise!' to the Transformers theme. So he runs away again (at least he's getting exercise). Okay, quick, into the lift now! Get off next floor… nope, alien. Next floor… empty. Next floor… wait, second floor! Right, he's escaped to an upper level in a building with only one exit, i.e. the door on the ground floor. Silly Doctor. The Slitheen, meanwhile, go in the lift, have a chat about nudity… okay, anyone else feel creeped out? I mean – 'Go naked – your body is magnificent'?

Back with SpiderHarriet and Rose… it's yet another chase scene (because there's clearly not enough of THOSE in this program). Yet again – they run. And chat while they run. Nice bit of social interaction. Always good to be friends with the PM… I mean MP… And they run straight into the Slitheen. This proves it – Time Lords can't multitask! The Slitheen are a bit scared of the convenient alcohol, though, so everything's alright. Harriet makes sure the Doctor realises a very important fact about the Slitheen… "they're aliens". Well, so's the Doctor. 'Who's not human?' 'He's not human.' 'He's not human?' You know the thing. Right, end of that. 'But he's got a northern accent!' She doesn't take a point, does she? The Slitheen are getting a bit angry, so the Doctor gives them a history lesson to cheer them up. It doesn't work, for some reason, even the bit where he demonstrates how he can be locked up in a big metal box with no air source or anything… silly Doctor.

No worries, though – they've got the top-secret emergency protocols to help them! So what ARE the top-secret protocols? …oh. It's a list of the people who died downstairs. How useful…

Meanwhile, some more suspiciously fat people arrive at Downing Street. Of course, no-one makes the connection between suspiciously fat government people and a mysterious alien spaceship in the Thames… idiots.

Meanwhile meanwhile, the Doctor realises he already knows SpiderHarriet (she's the one who's going to be important later… but isn't a Slitheen) but she insists she's "just a backbencher… for now. But one day, all of this will be MINE! MUWAHAHA!". Rose and the Doctor somehow miss this bit, because Rose is using her amazing power of ancient wisdom (there's more than one page in the top-secret emergency protocols (so maybe there's more information in them?)) and wonders if they can find some nuclear missiles. But of course they can't, the United Nations has had them since the Doctor was Tom Baker (the one with the reeeally long scarf). Silly Rose. And speaking of silly, Mickey chooses this point to text Rose, completely ignoring the fact she's trapped in a big metal box. And what has he said? …oh, he just sent her a picture of a Slitheen. Because clearly she needs to know what they look like.

But then the Doctor springs to action! …and then stops, because he can't go anywhere. So he rings Mickey-the-not-so-heroic-idiot to get him to hack into UNIT's website (they have a website now?). The password, naturally, is "inconspicuous". Jackie, meanwhile, tells the Doctor that he's taking a walk on the wild side with his life (because clearly he hasn't noticed the danger). "Is Rose safe?" Well of course she is – as long as she stays out of the way of the bullets and everything. And avoids big metal boxes…

Luckily, the doorbell rings at this point, so clever old Jackie goes and answers it. "Hello! It's the fat-not-fit policeman!" Oh no! Mickey springs into action rather more successfully than the Doctor and, armed with his "Baseball Bat O' Doom" © and takes on the Slitheen! Or at least he would've if he hadn't been distracted by himself running to the kitchen and hiding. But no worries, the Doctor is on hand to help. Using Rose's amazing powers of ancient wisdom (the Slitheen fart a lot (farts smell (so does bad breath))) he works out that they come from Raximaxifaxibaxicorimocolocofalipatoriamtious… twin planet to Klom. Mickey, meanwhile, has been eating a pickled onion in terror. So when the Slitheen breaks in, completely messing up the décor, Mickey is able to breath in its general direction. The Slitheen promptly explodes and showers Mickey's kitchen with green spaghetti. And Rose, the Doctor and SpiderHarriet get drunk. It's a win-win-win-win-win situation!

The suspiciously-fat Prime Minister informs the media that Bush and Blair were wrong about WMDs – said weapons are REALLY FAST! Of course, there's been no attack or anything so far, but it's probably best to retaliate before it comes… Rose, who can hear all this through the power of SuperPhone, uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (but he's an alien! (maybe he has a plan (or does he? (…probably)))) while the Doctor works out what the plan actually IS (cos he's the clever one). The he uses all this cleverness and goes out to chat with the aliens. Silly Doctor.

Luckily for him, the Slitheen are James Bond villains, and promptly reveal their evil plot because the Doctor mentions the world "plan". Oh, they're going to shoot foreigners… silly Slitheen! The Doctor isn't best pleased, being a foreigner himself, and goes back into his big metal box. And the Slitheen go off to watch their little red phone.

Have no fear, the Doctor has a plan! "Mickey, hack into the Navy's website (yep, they have one too)… which happens to have the same password as UNIT's site. Convenient, eh?" Mickey messes up (of course) and shoots a Doctor-seeking missile aaaaaaaall the way from Plymouth. Meanwhile, the UN decide to give some missiles to the nice fat alien-men. Silly UN.

And so the missile is on course for Downing Street, the Soulja Boys run away (they learnt from Mickey), the Doctor and Rose hide in a cupboard (clever…), Jackie is worried, SpiderHarriet shields herself in a web, Mickey looks a bit guilty, and the Slitheen… well, they all explode (except the one who'll be important later. Cos she's going to be around later. She escapes). Luckily the cupboard jumps forward one second in time juuuuuust as Downing Street goes boom. How convenient. And SpiderHarriet is indestructible, so that's ok. And the Doctor FINALLY realises that Harriet's the one who's going to be important later without being a Slitheen. Cos, you know, she starts to run the country.

Back to the old Tyler place, where Jackie's been reading the script ("Rose and David, sitting in a tree"), but no-one understands cos David Tennant's not here yet. So the Doctor and Rose go off into time and space together. Mickey doesn't come, he's too scared. He sits on a bin instead to wait for Rose to come back. Could be a while…

…silly Mickey.


	6. Text Message of the Daleks

Oh no! A mysterious distress signal from Earth! What could be worse? …It's from Utah!

Well, underneath Utah anyway. Luckily, the TARDIS (as usual) appears in the suspiciously empty part of the building, and so no-one realises that that's how the Doctor and Rose get in (incidentally, the Doctor would be a great thief, wouldn't he? But I'm getting off track). So it's now 2012, just in time for the London Olympics, although no-one knows that yet. That's a few Doctor-years from now. But back to the issue in hand – the Slitheen hand that happens to be there (suspicious, but it can't be the villain-of-the-week). And… oh no! The villain-of-the-week is there! The Doctor's old arch nemesis… a Cyberman!

…wait, that can't be it. Those Cybermen are gone. Only freaky-deaky parallel Cybermen are ever going to be there now. REAL Cybermen were made redundant waaaay back in … but we don't know any of this yet. So just… forget that. So anyway, the Doctor decides to show off his "leaning-against-invisible-wall" mime act, but somehow misses and hits one of those fragile glass boxes. And that summons some generic armed guards, who decide the safest place for potential thieves is with their boss. Said boss has just arrived in his Bad Wolf One helicopter (a helicopter? In an underground lair? What has the world come to?) and helpfully writes this in Rose's diary. Rose is annoyed that people keep stealing her diary, and steals it back. Van Statten, having just been told that he's not rich enough to be President yet, morphs briefly into an Alan Sugar/Donald Trump hybrid to fire someone. Then he turns back into himself, because the hybrid was too weird to contemplate. The Doctor auditions for a job as Van Statten's minstrel, but is turned down for being too breaking-and-entering-y. Van Statten wisely decides to put the Doctor with his most valuable collectable.

Turns out the collectable is "Alive! It's ALIVE!" As Dr Frankenstein realises he's both in the wrong place AND fictional, he wanders away, leaving the Doctor to confront the collectable. Oh, it's one of those Pepperpots of Doom. The Doctor and the Dalek have a chat about old times (well, the Doctor does. The Dalek just shoots him with imaginary death-bolts). Then the Doctor, being the excellent escape artist he is, leaves.

Unfortunately he let a few secrets slip out during his chat with the Dalek ("I'm an alien! I killed other aliens! I never sleep! I'm hungry!"), and Van Statten takes him to his private alien strip-club (which is, unsurprisingly, empty). Then he takes off the Doctor's jacket and shirt and scans him with the SuperUltraPainfulScanner. Because by 2012, it is impossible to scan through anything except skin.

Rose, meanwhile, has picked up a genius called Adam and takes him down to the Dalek. Then she pokes it (the Dalek, not Adam). The Dalek, having no access to Facebook, instead settles on breaking out and going on a killing spree. But first, of course, it absorbs the entire internet and posts on its MySpace blog. Hooray!

Now armed with power and a knowledge of text speak, the Dalek wanders about killing people (but not Rose or Adam, because we like them. Well, we like Rose anyway). The Doctor isn't happy by all this, but can't help because he's still topless. And the Doctor NEVER saves the world with a bare chest. He won't even save Utah without a shirt of some description.

The Dalek then reaches the conveniently placed "Weapons Room", where it gets shot at and blown up and stuff. But the Dalek uses its ultimate attack "turning on the sprinklers" and makes everyone in there dead. Then it tells us that the Internet says nothing about the Daleks (clearly it didn't look hard enough. I just looked, there's loads of stuff there!) and decides this means it should kill some more people. But because everyone has escaped by now (except Rose), it kills Rose. The Doctor is sad.

Luckily Rose is immortal, so the Dalek instead steals the Superphone and texts the Doctor (Lol dr, I hav ur gf. PWND!). The Doctor uses Rose's amazing powers of ancient wisdom (Rose is alive (but Daleks kill people… (so what do I do? (let the Dalek out!)))) and does so with all haste, before adopting the policy "less haste, more speed". But this is irrelevant. The Dalek sends a text to Van Statten (U hav been evicted. Pls leav da BB house) and comes to interview him. The Doctor, meanwhile, goes against everything he has ever done and gets a gun-thingy. He then ambushes the Dalek, and almost shoots it before Rose gets in the way. So he shoots her instead. She's ok, being immortal and all that, but the Dalek says "" and blows up. The Doctor is sad that he didn't get to kill anything, but still gets a trophy and a book token for W H Smith, because he won the Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey War.

Van Statten is mind-wiped (they can do that, but can't scan through clothes?) and the base is filled with concrete. Unfortunately no-one thinks to get out before the concrete starts coming in, so they all die. Except Rose and the Doctor, because they get in the TARDIS. And Adam, because he wants to be in a small space with Rose. Creep.


	7. Fear The Evil Ceiling!

Welcome to the world of next week! This is, of course, aimed at Adam, because he's new to all the flying-through-swirly-tunnels-during-the-opening-sequence, so he still thinks it's last week's episode (you can tell he's gonna be a good companion). Rose does a bit of miming while the Doctor talks, and somehow Adam's amazing powers of slightly futuristic wisdom (he so ripped off Rose!) fail to notice that she's gained a northern accent. And a deeper voice. He instead avoids all confusion by fainting (he's gonna be a GREAT companion).

The Doctor at this point realises that trouble is afoot (as usual), since McDonalds has set up on the space station (they landed in a space station, by the way. Just in case you had never seen the episode and were using this as a substitute. If so, then stop reading now and go watch it like a normal person. Then come back and read this). He decides that the safest thing to do is make the new boy a millionaire and then set him loose on the unsuspecting population. Silly Doctor.

Said Doctor meanwhile goes out to find someone to sacrifice later, and comes across a journalist and her journalist/secret-spy friend (but, obviously, we don't know that yet), who happen to be watching Bad Wolf TV (they wrote that in Rose's diary while Rose wasn't looking). The Doctor uses his psychic paper to convince them that he's a foreigner, so they tell him everything he wants to know. But unbeknownst to all, an evil entity is watching them from above… Simon Pegg! (He was in "Mission Impossible III", and "Hot Fuzz" and "Run Fatboy Run" and various other films (but not yet)). Also he has an evil ceiling, which he talks to. Fear the evil ceiling!

Adam, who appears to be awake again (worse luck), decides that "you've got to pick a pocket or two" and chooses Rose's for practice, wherein he finds Superphone and a used train ticket (the fiend!). Rose is distracted by amazing thoughts of ancient wisdom (yay for the future (I've been to better futures (but it had the Hoody Patrol and the bitchy trampoline woman (who'll come back later (but we don't know that yet))))) and doesn't notice. The TARDIS crew go along to see the journalist (who isn't a spy) get her head ripped open for a while, and Adam is happy. The Doctor isn't, but he's just a grumpy kinda guy.

Simon Pegg, who also happens to be Shaun (the titular character of that zombie film. It also had Nick Frost in it!), isn't very happy. Nor is his evil ceiling. But then they realise that the journalist/secret-spy is actually secretly a spy as well as a journalist, and promote her. Hooray for future sense!

Back down on the lower levels, Adam pretends to faint again and makes a sneaky escape, while the journalist/secret-spy wanders off to certain death. The Doctor cheers up a bit, because a visit to anywhere isn't any good unless someone he talks to dies.

The journalist/secret-spy arrives on the top floor, which happens to be frozen over (well, space is cold…), and skis over to where Simon Pegg is narrating Doctor Who Confidential. She then tells him a bit about all her Anarchy in the UK, before being killed by the evil ceiling. Silly Suki (that's her name, you know).

The Doctor's cover is blown! The surviving journalist has figured out that the Doctor's not REALLY a foreigner, and is just a bit northern. She, understandably, flees. Rose, who hasn't spoken for a while, decides she's a bit hot, despite what her amazing powers of ancient wisdom tell her (but space is cold!), so the Doctor hacks into the space station. Aww. Simon Pegg sneakily drops a key aaaaaaall the way down to whatever floor the Doctor and Rose are on, and they decide it must be luck. Then they go up to the cold bit of the station, where they are promptly captured by some dead people for going off-piste.

Adam, who has been missing for a while, goes to a convenient hospital and finds Caroline from Green Wing. There, he gets his head ripped open so he can steal technology and make it back home. Because obviously this is going to work.

The Doctor and Rose, back upstairs, are having a chat with Simon, who then introduces them to his evil ceiling – the Mighty Mick Jagger of the Holy Roman Empire (or something to that effect), who he nicknamed Chris for unknown reasons, and who is apparently a bank manager.

Back with Adam, who inconveniently updates his blog at this point. Simon Pegg finds it and reads a bit about the Doctor and Rose. Then Adam phone home and says a bit of future nonsense for his dog to listen to.

Suddenly the climax creeps up on us as the other journalist (who used SpiderHarriet's amazing powers to get up to the top floor) disrupts the economy, causing a credit crunch and thus destroying the current banking system. The evil ceiling isn't very happy, and thus explodes. The Doctor and Rose somehow get free (hooray!) while Simon goes off to do more Confidential narration.

And thus another adventure draws to a close as the Doctor sends Adam to bed without supper. And then blows up his phone, because he's in that sort of mood.


	8. Maybe We're Related

Maybe we're related…

So today Rose wants to go and watch her dad die (because she's that kind of person) and the Doctor decides that this is a good a good idea (because he's THAT kind of person. A stupid one). So the duo happily toddle off back into the distant past to the year of… 1987 (dun dun DUN)! Incidently, this is the day that Tunisian president Habib Bourguiba is overthrown and replaced by Prime Minister Zine El Abidine Ben Ali. But this is, naturally, completely unrelated to this episode, and may not even happen in whatever kooky world the Doctor inhabits. So let's leave that behind us for now.

Rose (after noting and writing down in her diary the Bad Wolf graffiti) and the Doctor sit back with some popcorn to watch as Rose's father breaks some pottery and ends up dead. Unfortunately, Rose blinked and missed it, so they go back in time AGAIN and sit just behind themselves. And steal their own popcorn, because they'd only brought enough for one viewing. Somehow, the second viewing is in fact a comedy, and Daddy Tyler slips on a conveniently placed banana skin and fails to be run over. The previous Doctor and Rose storm out of the cinema in disgust and promptly cease to exist, since there was no cinema involved until I mentioned it just now. Or something like that. Meanwhile, Rose-Advance runs over and introduces herself to her dad. Clever old Pete uses his amazing powers of ancient wisdom (she has the same name as my daughter (and she's blonde, like my daughter (and she hangs around with time-travelling Northern aliens… like my daughter! (maybe she's my daughter from the future who came back to save me from death?)))) before deciding that this train of thought is insane. Rose, meanwhile, counters this using her own amazing powers of ancient wisdom (dad has amazing powers of ancient wisdom? (but I'M the one with amazing powers of ancient wisdom! (maybe we're related…))). And the Doctor gets a bit confused, because he just saw a vanishing car.

Pete takes Rose and the Doctor with him (because he's that sort of person) and the Doctor gets annoyed with Rose for her dad not dying (You planned this ever since you found out that my spaceship has a cup holder!). And Rose has no suitable response, seeing as this accusation is true, so she busies herself with stealing Pete's merchandise. The Doctor then takes her keys and jumps out of the car window.

The Doctor, who seems to think that leaving Rose running into her own timeline is a good idea, finds that his TARDIS has been redecorated and gets quite annoyed. So annoyed, in fact, that he completely misses the mysterious alien murders that are going on around him.

Pete and Rose reach the church in one piece, despite the repeated attempts of the vanishing car to kill them. Luckily, it vanishes before it can, which is one of the downsides of being a vanishing car. Pete and slightly-younger-than-usual-but-still-as-Slap-happy-Jackie have a quick Slaps match (which Jackie wins. By slapping him with her voice. Ouch) and then make up. The moment is broken by the arrival of the Doctor, shouting about monsters, and li'l Mickey… shouting about monsters. Cos all his friends got eaten by monsters earlier. In case the stories weren't enough, the Doctor bring such a monster with him, which Rose promptly attacks with her screaming. Her attack somehow fails, as does li'l Mickey's classic running-into-a-wall-while-near-the-Doctor gag. So the Doctor, being an extremely religious man, ushers everyone into the church and throws a vicar at the bat things.

The Doctor gets annoyed about Jackie's questions about who he is ("I told you, I'm going to kidnap your daughter in 20 years!") and instead indulges in some car spotting, just in time to see the conspicuous vanishing car (how convenient). Then he promises a couple of strangers that he'll save them, before throwing them at the Reapers. This doesn't seem to have any effect either. So he resorts to Plan E (following the plans of A: shouting at the Reapers and hoping they go away, B: shouting at Rose and hoping the Reapers go away, C: throwing a vicar at them and D: throwing not-vicars at them). Plan E, apparently, is just hoping that the TARDIS will come and save the day. And meanwhile Rose lies to Pete for a bit.

Pete gets annoyed about the lying and goes off to find a new friend, so Rose adds her baby self as a friend on MySpace to pass the time. This is, of course, a paradox, since she should only have one account, so Tom from MySpace comes and shakes a fist angrily at her. Then the Reapers break in and promptly kill everyone (except, conveniently, the Tyler family. And Tom).

Pete realises that it's time for him to be a good father and kill himself (this is a depressing one, isn't it?) so he jumps in front of the car as it unvanishes into existence. I think. Rose gets all sad, but Pete's ok because he just ends up in a coma and wakes up in 1973 to the tune of Life on Mars. And then he becomes a policeman, just for the hell of it.

Oh, and everyone turns out to be alive, because everything that happened was just a story Jackie was telling younger-Rose (no wonder she grew up how she did).


	9. Doctor Who and the Phone of Doom!

Just a note to any of you wonderful people who read these things, sorry for the long gap between the last chapter and this one. First my computer crashed, then I lost the damned document, and then I just plain forgot until recently. I am hoping to one day catch up with whatever the current series is, but seeing as the BBC has nearly reached their eleventh Doctor and I'm still on Chris... that may just be a pipe dream. Anyway, I'll keep you from my attempted humour no longer!

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Welcome to the world of the past! The Doctor, having seen something shiny (possibly a penny! Oh boy!) in the Time Vortex, chases it all the way back to the magical world of World War Two and promptly runs off, leaving poor Rose alone with nothing but an inconspicuous time machine, amazing powers of ancient wisdom, and SuperPhone. She quickly solves this dilemma by running away from the TARDIS and scaling a big dangerous building in search of a young alien-like child. The Doctor meanwhile perfects his comedy routine, with a vague plan of infiltrating the Edinburgh festival and revealing some performers as aliens (which he never gets round to). Instead, having begun his opening joke (have you ever noticed how your companions get kidnapped by aliens that could quite easily kill them instead?) he is booed off the stage and receives a one star review from local critics. He is understandably upset.

Meanwhile, Rose activates her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (that child turned into a rope! (that's not how children work... (nor ropes, for that matter (but it's so damn climbable! (and dangerous))))) and decides that climbing is her best option. Climbing the rope, of course, leads to it floating up in the air, like some kinda... balloon, or something. Rose ignores the Doctor's encouraging shouts of "Silly Rose!" and reasons that clinging onto the rope will give her lots of exciting, expensive shots of war-torn London (shouldn't I use my amazing powers of ancient wisdom to do this? (but reasoning is quicker, and easier (isn't THIS the amazing powers that I'm using now? (damn my many mind powers!)))). Captain Jack "Harkness-isn't-my-real-name-but-Jack-might-be-seeing-as-my-crazy-vengeful-brother-from-my-spin-off-knows-it" realises he's allowed to be in the episode now and swoops in to rescue her, thereby ruins her viewing experience. Rose takes a leaf out of Adam's (remember Adam? He was the annoying one. Like a new Adric, but without the heroic sacrifice) book and faints.

Our friendly neighbourhood Doctor, meanwhile, has an arguement with the TARDIS phone ("ring-ring? What you do mean? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?") before being saved by a random Londoner. She uses powerful mind techniques to distract him (look over there!) and flees over a wall, which leads her to a conveniently empty house. The Doctor is not fooled, as it's not at all inconspicuous, unlike the TARDIS, and crashes her party with her close friends (they call her TC). He invites them to join him in a game of pictionary, but they run away, leaving the Doctor to greet an uninvited guest. Nancy, the helpful Londoner from before, warns him against it, but the Doctor is stubborn and opens the door. The young alien-like child shouts "trick or treat!" and flees. Silly young alien-like child.

Rose and Jack not-Harkness wander up onto the roof of his spaceship (he has a spaceship, you know. That's important to know) and get drunk while exchanging psychic papers. All appears in order, so Jack proposes a sale. Rose uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (the TARDIS is a bit small... (only on the outside! (maybe he's just a con-man (but he's so nice to Ianto! (that hasn't happened yet))))) and decides she wants the Doctor to help her decide. Then she goes off to watch Children of Earth. She didn't enjoy it very much.

The Doctor goes to see the doctor (note the capitals, or lack thereof. That's the distinction). The doctor tells the Doctor about the freaky physical diseases that are spreading, like cuts, and the Doctor tells the doctor that he's not a doctor, he's a Doctor, but he'll pretend to be a doctor rather than a Doctor while he's with the doctor. The doctor is baffled and turns into a small alien-like child. The Doctor realises the doctor who is no longer a doctor or a Doctor but is now a former doctor who was never a Doctor, unlike the Doctor himself, who was a Doctor and eight former Doctors but has never been a doctor. Jack and Rose appear using the power of good timing to save the Doctor (not the doctor) from a logic meltdown. The doctor-who-is-no-longer-a-doctor is upset that he's now being ignored and walks menacingly toward the Doctor-who-is-still-a-Doctor. His patients-who-are-no-longer-his-patients-because-he's-no-longer-a-doctor follow him. Rose uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (we're trapped! (but we always escape and beat the aliens (but there's only two minutes left!))) and concludes that this is a two-part episode.

Turns out she's right.


	10. Everybody Lives Unless War Kills Them

We return to World War London (didn't that happen already? In World War Three? Which was set in London?) to find our heroes still in peril - understandably so, seeing as no time has passed for them. And he calls him self a time traveller. For shame.

In other news, the Doctor shoos away the small alien-like impersonators, feeling they're not up the scratch, before toddling off on another adventure. Jack and Rose soon put a stop to this, however, as they remind him he's still on last week's adventure. The trio soon find themselves trapped again, in a bland pastiche of the aforementioned cliffhanger. And yeah, I know words like pastiche. Bet you didn't see THAT one coming. Rose uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (we're trapped! (there's no escape (this is just a bland pastiche of the aforementioned cliffhanger... (in other news, I don't like this carpet)))) and promptly shoots the floor with cries of "Exterminate!" added for effect. Jack experiences a flash of the future, is terrified, and vanishes, never to be seen again until a moment later when the shot cuts to him lounging in his spaceship (told you it'd be important). He then sets into motion Plan B - try to scare away aliens with music. The Doctor, who has been amusing himself with reading titles of future episodes ("The Doctor's Daughter", eh? I wonder how THAT will happen...) notices today's title and complies. Hilarity ensues.

Nancy (remember her? She was around in the last episode, cleverly knowing how to use a phone) meets up with her gang and their magical typewriter (wait, magical typewriter? run away!). Nancy runs to the bomb site where this whole facade began, and is captured by a suspicious guard, who takes her to a suspicious room to be watched over by... an even more suspicious guard, who then turns into an even more suspicious small alien-like child. At this point the Doctor bursts in (thank god it's the right place, I've done that three times already) and saves her by... running away. Silly Doctor.

Rose, who hasn't done much recently, uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom again (these aliens aren't human (but they used to be human (like the doctor-who-is-no-longer-a-doctor-and-was-never-a-Doctor-that-was-turned-into-a-small-alien-like-child (something alien must have happened!)))), and the gang splits up to look for close. Jack misinterprets this as "split up and look for a boyfriend", while the other three completely misunderstand "split up", and stick together. The small alien-like children are startled and angry, and promptly attack. Nancy naturally solves this issue with the power of hugging, and the day is saved!

Not counting the fact that it's World War Two. "Everybody lives", Doctor? Check your history books!

Jack, at least, does live, and is promptly kidnapped by a rogue Time Lord. Not (unfortunatly) a rouge Time Lord, because that'd just be bizarre.


	11. Super TARDIS Mickey Team Time Vortex GO!

Super TARDIS Mickey Team Time Vortex GO!

One fine day in Cardiff, we find a suspiciously familiar mayor and her suspiciously new subordinate having a little debate, which promptly comes to an end with a death: as all good debates do. Closer inspection reveals the mayor to be none other than... Margaret, the Slitheen! (Remember, the one who would be important later? Well, it's later now!)

But first, here's everyone's favourite idiot! Mickey stages an invasion of the TARDIS, while Jack and the Doctor happily flirt in the background. Mickey, being the idiot he is, has no idea what's been going on for the last few episodes so the TARDIS team activate their exposition mode. Mickey is unimpressed.

Somehow no-one thinks that 'nuclear power station' and 'heart of Cardiff' may be a bad idea (except Margaret. But we don't believe her, because she's evil!), so the plans for world destruction come together. But we don't really understand them yet, so no worries. Meanwhile, she's assaulted by a meddling journalist who threatens to expose the evil plot! Of course, we can't have this happening yet (the Doctor hasn't blown anything up yet!) so Margaret moans about how awful it is being the only member of your murderous family until the journalist gives up and runs away.

We catch up with our renegade Time Lord, who's engaged in the nefarious act of theft (of a newspaper, he's new to this). Captain Jack Flash devises a complex plan in order to catch out Margaret, but the Doctor has a better idea involving 'explosions and running!', so they go with that. They then make things explode, and run. Mickey, ever the rebel, decides not to go with this plan and instead attacks an old lady. Silly Mickey. Having caught Margaret (she can't run very fast), Team TARDIS expose her very evil plot to... go surfing! Rose, meanwhile, uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (I haven't spoken in a while (ooh what's that over there? (it says Blaidd Drwg (wonder what that means)))) and promptly writes it in her diary. But wait!, cries Captain Jack, this diary's full of the word Bad Wolf! No-one pays any attention, because he's simultaneously having fun with the surfboard, so the word is forgotten until... well, the next episode. But we don't know that yet. Silly Jack.

Back at the TARDIS, the gang leave for , or at least they would if they didn't still have half an hour to fill. Margaret suggests a staring competition to pass the time, but no-one's interested, so they go out on the town instead (but not Jack. He stays behind the keep the TARDIS company and cause trouble). Silly Jack (again).

Mickey and Rose do love to be beside the seaside, and so go to the beach, while the Doctor takes Margaret on a date. Jack offers the use of his first-date handcuffs (kinky!), and there is much rejoicing. Unfortunately, Margaret has bad breath so the Doctor runs back to the TARDIS. Meanwhile, Rose (who has been boasting about all the explosions she's seen) realises she left her amazing powers of ancient wisdom back on the TARDIS, so runs back to get them. Meanwhile meanwhile, Captain Jack has got round to causing trouble, and starts by blowing up Cardiff (nothing major), before quickly moving on to the whole planet. The Doctor, who has got back by this time, slaps him until he comes back to his senses, and then a couple more times for emphasis. And thus the day was saved.

Oh, and they drop Margaret into a plot hole to finish up.


	12. Yes, It's Us Again of the Daleks

"Yes, It's Us Again" of the Daleks 

The adventure begins with the reminder that the Doctor blew up Simon Pegg's evil ceiling a few stories ago. Meanwhile, 100 years later, he finds himself in a spinning lift dreaming about being a 1913 history teacher called John Smith, whose adventures with a naughty schoolboy, a maid, a farmer and a small girl result in cruel and unusual punishments for all involved (except Timmy, he comes out all right). Unperturbed, the Doctor emerges into a house where he meets the camp-gay-but-not-too-camp-gay one, the bubbly-but-eventually-doomed one and the angry-and-very-doomed one, who are all housemates in a suspicious room filled with eyes and cameras. The Doctor promptly concludes that he's in How Clean Is Your Spaceship, and begins rating the room. He doesn't score it very high.

As the inspection continues, the angry-and-very-doomed one gets evicted from Life, the Universe and Everything, which angers the Doctor because that's what he was planning on doing. Declaring it 'ruined forever', he has a quick flashback (turns out he was in the TARDIS earlier! Big suprise...) and tells Lynda (the bubbly-but-eventually-doomed one) that it's not just a game: it's a slow-cooked, honey-drizzled game sprinkled with Madagascan cherries and makes his escape, bringing Lynda with him. Lynda with a Y, not Ltnda with a T. She was evicted for lack of proper spelling. This leaves the camp-gay-but-not-too-camp-gay one to win... with sexy results!

Rose finds herself Doctorless and instead with a friendly black man, who invites her to win not-death in a nice trivia game. Rose, armed with her amazing powers of ancient wisdom, happily joins in until she realises that ancient wisdom won't cut it – this game needs mediocre powers of pop culture. Having noted down a funny sounding place (Torchwood Institute? Ha!) in a new diary, Ann Robinson begins killing contestants (she's a very violent host), including young Rose. And that's terrible.

Captain Jack-of-all-trades has spent his time doing adverts (Defabricator – does exactly what it says on the tin) before being kicked out for being "so three minutes ago". He finds himself on the mean streets of the Gamestation, which are now solely inhabited by the Doctor and Lynda. The trio find out who owns said Gamestation (it's Bad Wolf, by the way. We have been building up to this for a while, so try not to be too surprised). Learning of Rose's untimely demise, they march on up to Floor 500 (which is _still_ not made of gold, even after 100 years. It was for a bit, but then they went to and... cashed their gold, pretty much.

The creepy staff on the top floor remain unaware of the events of the episode until an angry Jack, a very angry Doctor and an indifferent Lynda crash their party, throwing guns at people and causing general mischief. It is here that the Doctor finds out Rose's fate – rather than being killed, she was thrown into a plot hole and landed on a ship. To the Doctor, a very familiar ship. Rose awakes to find herself under attack from a very familiar and deadly enemy...

So it's the Axons, right?


	13. MegaDeathWave Thing of the Daleks

Mega-Death-Wave... Thing of the Daleks

We return to the Gamestation for a quick reminder that the Daleks (not the Axons, apparently) have been up to their usual tricks, like killing people, but not killing Rose. Rose eavesdrops on the Dalek's loud, angry plans of extermination and figures out the outcome using her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (they're firing missiles (the TARDIS doesn't have defences (they're gonna kill the Doctor (people die when they're killed! (except Captain Jack))))), before realising that not only does she not know this yet, but it's also not yet true. Thus she dismisses it from her mind.

The TARDIS is flying, for no apparent reason given that it can just materialise on board the Dalek ship. As soon as the Doctor realises this he does so, helpfully parking on top of Rose. After some compulsory Doctor-mourning (my people are dead, I'm all sad and stuff), he decides the conservation of ninjitsu will save him and goes for a walkabout with the Daleks. Then he gets exterminated and the show comes to an end.

...so he's got a forcefield now? The Doctor (or 'Steve', as he's known on the Dalek homeworld), uses his powers of interrogation to find the secret location of the Dalek Emperor (just behind him), the last survivor of the Time War. Yeah, another one. The Emperor joins in on the compulsory Doctor-mourning (my race keep dying, but I'm not sad cos I don't have emotions) and decides he is "THE GOD OF ALL DA-LEKS... except the ones that came before me. And the ones who aren't in this room...", which really just makes him a lieutenant. The Doctor is bored by now and wanders off for some adventure.

The gang return to the Gamestation, whereupon they find a gaggle of angry winners, including the not-so-friendly-after-all black man from before, stranded and milling around (as one does when stranded). The not-so-friendly black man informs us all of how the Daleks don't exist (clearly he wasn't watching earlier) and so Jack shoots at the ceiling and storms off in anger. Silly Jack.

With a sudden burst of technobabble the solution is found, and (following a quick snog with Captain Jack), the Doctor gets to work. Jack runs off to shoot stuff, taking a gang of creepy staff with him to help. Rose... just stands around and talks. She's not very helpful, so she gets sent back to the present, where she shouts at the TARDIS for a while before going to get some chips with Mickey.

Lynda is placed in the 'Deadly Room of Certain Death If You Ever Go In' (don't worry, it's just a name) and starts narrating all the action, providing such gems as "The Daleks are killing people!" and "The Daleks are killing some different people!". The Daleks give her a bad review and she gets fired... with a laser. And thus dies. It's a sad moment.

Captain Jack Flash spends the rest of the episode completely failing to kill anything, and ends up dead as well, for the first of many times (but we don't know that yet). The Doctor has finished his mega-killing-wave... thing, but he realises too late that it will mega-kill everyone, which wasn't his plan at all. Then the Daleks come in and look quite menacing. Silly Daleks.

Rose is bored of eating chips by now, so she gets Jackie and Mickey to help steal cars and break the TARDIS with them. Somehow this leads to her gaining magic (as you'd expect) and flying off to save the day. Meanwhile, in the future (yes, as Rose points out, the future is happening at the same time as the present...), the Doctor is still being menaced by Daleks until his wily sidekick turns up and kills them with a Deus Ex Machina and snogs him. She's a terrible kisser though, and... he dies. But unlike everyone else who's died today (which is pretty much everyone), the Doctor has the power of exploding, and does so, thus becoming Casanova. And he takes them off to Barcelona for more adventures and snogging.

* * *

That finally marks the end of the first series, after about four years of these summaries... Keep an eye out for Series Two, which should be completed a bit faster, assuming I don't just forget about it like I did with this one.


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